Hey Jessica! This story of the traveler seems really interesting. Your word choice and your writing style make me want to know what happens next. I also like how vague you are in the introduction. You aren’t letting the reader know exactly what is going to happen within this characters journey but you are wanting to just give a brief explanation on why the reader should be interested in this persons journey. The picture choices are absolutely perfect for the setting you are trying to create. The pictures paired with your writing style make the tale that more mysterious and causes the reader to be intrigued. Some small things you could add or fix would be to explain whom is he talking too. You continue to say “my child” so is he talking to someone within the story or is he just talking to the reader? Also, the first sentence of your second paragraph could be altered. You could take out the “but once” part so it just reads, “I am now a withered and bent old man, but long ago I was strong. . .” and so on. Good job on this story and I can’t wait to read more!
Well that's one heck of an introduction! I loved the line "I could not comprehend the vast expanse that was the known world..."! It is so daring and a welcome invitation to explore! I honestly don't even know what all of the things you are referring to are in the third paragraph. I guess that's why it's an intro. It draws the readers in. I also liked the layout of the site. The colors aren't flashy. It's a welcoming simplicity. It reminds me of an old book. The kind that you find on a forgotten shelf in a library that makes you want to get lost in its pages...
I was a little confused on who the traveler was addressing. Was it a grandchild or a neighbor or someone else entirely? It might take some magic out of the introduction to include too many details, but maybe you could elaborate on this sometime later?
Hey Jessica, Your home page is great. I think you did a great job at adding a caption to the photo that was unique. The colors seemed to all work together well, and you did a great job of choosing a complimentary font. Your introduction does a great job of setting up your storybook. The picture you chose was great. The character of an older man telling a tale of his younger years is a great way to help your readers suspend belief and engage further into your storybook.
Hey Jessica, I think your introduction is great! It does a really good job at setting up the storybook and the stories to come (which I am excited to read). I think the design of the storybook makes it seem mysterious and really sets the mood. Also, great use of a photo to give the audience a picture of what we should be visualizing. But this character sounds like an interesting man, with tales that one could only dream of having.
I think the sentence structure could be mixed up a little bit to help with the flow of the story. Currently, there are a lot of uses of commas and long lists. I think these can only bog down the reader as they are trying to get through a sentence. So maybe switch it up a little bit to vary it for the reader and help with the flow of the story.
Jessica, I think your introduction is excellent. I like that you set the tone for the entire storybook. Also, the color and text of the page fits perfect with the way the story is told as in it. I also like your title as it seems unique and intriguing.
I thought the opening was great. It instantly shows that one character is young and one is significantly older/wiser. Your transitions into ideas were smooth and the set up for the next story was perfect. It will be interesting to see how the rest of the story plays out.
Hey Jessica! You have a great layout for your website. The top banner really adds a great element to the layout and I liked the font you used. I really enjoyed the introduction story that you wrote! I really liked your word play throughout; I was able to envision everything with ease because of it. I also enjoyed the style you chose for this. Making a weathered old traveler recant his stories to his child; I can easily envision a father telling his son stories from his glory days now. I also thought it was a great idea to tease all of the stories that are to come in the introduction. It made me curious about when I am going to get to read about the wayfarer’s next adventure. I also thought it was a great idea since you know his son is eagerly waiting to hear about the mysterious things that his father had done, but he is going to have to sit through some talking before he gets to the good stories. I can’t wait to read more of this!
I chose your Storybook as my free choice first off because of your title! I love to travel, so anything related to that in any way interests me! Great job with the title.
I like the colors of your Storybook. They're calm and inviting, I think. I also like the font you chose! I think it goes with the whole weary traveler thing very nicely. I almost wish that the image you chose was in color instead of black and white, but I do like that it keeps with the calm feel of the page overall.
I like how you started your introduction. Instead of just calling it "Introduction," I like that you chose a title for the page that easily led the reader into the actual reading portion. Very clever! Your writing style is great. I thought the old man was so inviting and friendly! You did a great job with character development. I also like that you also made the image on this page black and white. It ties the pages together so well!
Oh, wow! The introduction makes me so excited to read the stories! I love the idea of an old man retelling the adventures of his younger days. I think the way you laid out what stories you will be telling was very well done. It gives readers just enough information about what is to come and grabs their interest. It seems like you will have a great variety of stories. I love the picture you chose, too! For the Flaming Skies story, I love how you had the old man reflect on the fact that he didn’t give a second thought to leaving his home. There is so much character development that happens in just a few short sentences, showing how the old man has changed from his younger self. When I first began to read this story, I was all set to comment on the lack of dialogue because usually a story without dialogue seems dry or boring. However, your description of events was so vivid that I was captivated the whole time! If I have to be critical, the one thing I might suggest would be to take out the sentence “What did I ask them, you might ask?” just because it seems a little out of place in the paragraph. Great job!
I enjoyed reading your story entitled "Flaming Skies" and thought that it was both creative and engaging. I appreciated how you simply took the story of the cat and wove it into the larger narrative of your storybook.
In your introduction, one of the very strongest points was your use of repetition to get the point across. In the first paragraph, you do this by saying, "Let me tell you…let me tell you…etc." That was extremely effective in conveying the importance of what you were saying, while also drawing the reader in to hear what you were talking about.
I think it's really hard to tell good stories without much dialogue, but it seems that you've done that quite well with your introduction and first story. Your description of the surroundings is both vivid and exact; I had no trouble "seeing" the picture you were trying to paint of the small Japanese village.
I read your story Flaming Skies. I read your introduction a couple of weeks ago, so it's nice that you're in my group again. Your vocabulary is fantastic. I would never think to use words like juxtaposed or tantalizing. Your grammar was also spot on. I didn't notice any mistakes. Good job! The dashes you used gave the story an extra level of description. The beginning of your story fits nicely with your theme. I loved how you set up where you were in the story and why you were there. I've been scared to write in first person because I tend to use too many 'I's, but you used the perfect amount. The plot of the story was completely unexpected! Once you got to the village, I had no idea why no one was around. Then a giant cat-demon came out of nowhere and set everything on fire?! I started out thinking it was a non-fiction scene but was surprised when that changed. I enjoy your writing very much. Thanks for the great story!
Hey Jessica! This is my first time visiting your story and I really love your layout. My only critic would be that your font is a little difficult to read, but if you like it then go with it! I started with your story Aureate Sands. Cool name by the way.
The way you merges man and creature into the story was really interesting. It would be really cool if you alluded to the next story at the end of this one--just to build up some excitement.
First off, little scary at the end, but the imagery you used was awesome. I'm a big fan of greek mythology, so I really enjoyed reading your story. The background of the griffin you supplied the reader with in the Author's note is invaluable. It made a lot of the foreshadowing in the story make a lot more sense. Great job! I think you have a great site ahead of you!
Hey Jessica. Immediately I knew what kind of emotions the story would have, not only from the title, but also from the colors and images you included. You did a really great job at conveying what kind of story this would be. Great job on that!
Your introduction is amazing. It made me really excited and interested to keep reading. You did a great job of explaining how the storybook was going to be laid out.
I really like that the stories are about his adventures. It really makes me want to go on my own adventures!
You did a great job of explaining his emotions as well. I'm a pretty empathetic person, and I was definitely feeling scared as I read your story.
Also, I really like that you spaced out your paragraphs. It made your story flow really well, and it was easier and nicer to read. Over all, really nice job.
Jessica, you have such a cool storybook! The theme is so neat! It's great that you chose a traveler for your narrator because you have such a broad spectrum of stories to choose from, and from your very intriguing introduction, I can tell that you have. You did a good job laying out your storybook in the introduction in a way that plays to the reader's curiosity. Finishing the introduction, I couldn't wait to read more.
Your first story is great! The imagery is fantastic. I had such an easy time imagining the whole scene because you wrote such detailed descriptions. It was great, too, seeing it through the eyes of your narrator because he is unfamiliar with the legend of the demon cat. That way, I was able to learn about it with him. The writing was really good, and the story flowed well. I definitely look forward to reading more of your storybook. You're doing a great job with this project. Keep it up, Jessica!
Hey, I really like the introduction. It gives the feeling of sitting down for storytelling time by the firepit. That definitely helped increase my interest in the story. I do like your choice of words. The word child was nurturing and "you" made me feel involved. The introduction provides great detail but still leaves a little mystery to make me keep reading. You used good punctuation. Also, I really like the color scheme. It plays into the mystery. It gives the idea that the traveler has seen good and bad days. The pictures also help the story develop and paint the story. Your paragraphs are really consistent and the font is nice. The author notes are a little hard to see because it is so small. I have bad eyes though so it may just be me. Great storybook. keep up the great work! I hope to read more from you.
I love the name, the colors and the layout of your project. The picture you chose is gorgeous! One thing you might consider changing is the size of font you used on the stories. When you have a sans-serif font that small, rounded, and thick, it tends to blob together when you are reading. Either that or find a thinner font. It would make it so much easier to read. Also, your Author’s Notes font size is miniscule. I am an older student but I’m not in need of bifocals yet LOL. And, speaking of reading, I really loved the introduction to your story. You give so much background and information is such concise sentences. Again, the picture you use is gorgeous! I don’t know if you meant for this to happen, but I am reading this story is a type of aristocratic, british, 1800’s type of voice in my head :) Great stories!
I just read your introduction and story, "Aureate Sands," and must say that I am impressed with both the coherence and clarity with which you've done these writings. Your narrative style was consistent throughout, and I got the feeling that I was a young student of this wise traveler.
I most appreciated the suspense you created at the end of the story, when the griffin gives the riddle to the travelers. I wasn't expecting that, but it made for a nice change of pace. It wasn't too gruesome - I think it was a rather apt conclusion to the story.
However, I do have one critique: Where's the dialogue? I know you relay the griftin's words at the end of the story, but this is not sufficient. I believe that this story would be very good if it included more dialogue. It would paint a more complete picture of the characters in the story.
Nice work. I look forward to reading the rest of your storybook.
Jessica, first off, I am impressed that your storybook is complete (or nearly complete)! I still have to add one more story to mine. It is so crazy that we are already almost finished. Your site was beautiful and very fitting to your story. I have a question about your design / theme. Did you pick it out of the themes provided or did you create it by yourself? There have been so many unique themes on the storybooks that I did not see when I created my Google site that I have begun to grow curious. Anyways, I read your story the “Aureate Sands….” I enjoyed it very much but as I was reading through it I did catch a few grammatical and spelling errors. I suppose you having completed your edits from Dr. Gibbs yet. I think if you read through it one more time out loud you would easily be able to detect and correct the minor mistakes. Great job!
Hey Jessica! This story of the traveler seems really interesting. Your word choice and your writing style make me want to know what happens next. I also like how vague you are in the introduction. You aren’t letting the reader know exactly what is going to happen within this characters journey but you are wanting to just give a brief explanation on why the reader should be interested in this persons journey. The picture choices are absolutely perfect for the setting you are trying to create. The pictures paired with your writing style make the tale that more mysterious and causes the reader to be intrigued.
ReplyDeleteSome small things you could add or fix would be to explain whom is he talking too. You continue to say “my child” so is he talking to someone within the story or is he just talking to the reader? Also, the first sentence of your second paragraph could be altered. You could take out the “but once” part so it just reads, “I am now a withered and bent old man, but long ago I was strong. . .” and so on.
Good job on this story and I can’t wait to read more!
Well that's one heck of an introduction! I loved the line "I could not comprehend the vast expanse that was the known world..."! It is so daring and a welcome invitation to explore! I honestly don't even know what all of the things you are referring to are in the third paragraph. I guess that's why it's an intro. It draws the readers in. I also liked the layout of the site. The colors aren't flashy. It's a welcoming simplicity. It reminds me of an old book. The kind that you find on a forgotten shelf in a library that makes you want to get lost in its pages...
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused on who the traveler was addressing. Was it a grandchild or a neighbor or someone else entirely? It might take some magic out of the introduction to include too many details, but maybe you could elaborate on this sometime later?
Hey Jessica, Your home page is great. I think you did a great job at adding a caption to the photo that was unique. The colors seemed to all work together well, and you did a great job of choosing a complimentary font. Your introduction does a great job of setting up your storybook. The picture you chose was great. The character of an older man telling a tale of his younger years is a great way to help your readers suspend belief and engage further into your storybook.
ReplyDeleteHey Jessica, I think your introduction is great! It does a really good job at setting up the storybook and the stories to come (which I am excited to read). I think the design of the storybook makes it seem mysterious and really sets the mood. Also, great use of a photo to give the audience a picture of what we should be visualizing. But this character sounds like an interesting man, with tales that one could only dream of having.
ReplyDeleteI think the sentence structure could be mixed up a little bit to help with the flow of the story. Currently, there are a lot of uses of commas and long lists. I think these can only bog down the reader as they are trying to get through a sentence. So maybe switch it up a little bit to vary it for the reader and help with the flow of the story.
But great job! I am excited to read more!
Jessica, I think your introduction is excellent. I like that you set the tone for the entire storybook. Also, the color and text of the page fits perfect with the way the story is told as in it. I also like your title as it seems unique and intriguing.
ReplyDeleteI thought the opening was great. It instantly shows that one character is young and one is significantly older/wiser. Your transitions into ideas were smooth and the set up for the next story was perfect. It will be interesting to see how the rest of the story plays out.
Hey Jessica! You have a great layout for your website. The top banner really adds a great element to the layout and I liked the font you used. I really enjoyed the introduction story that you wrote! I really liked your word play throughout; I was able to envision everything with ease because of it. I also enjoyed the style you chose for this. Making a weathered old traveler recant his stories to his child; I can easily envision a father telling his son stories from his glory days now. I also thought it was a great idea to tease all of the stories that are to come in the introduction. It made me curious about when I am going to get to read about the wayfarer’s next adventure. I also thought it was a great idea since you know his son is eagerly waiting to hear about the mysterious things that his father had done, but he is going to have to sit through some talking before he gets to the good stories. I can’t wait to read more of this!
ReplyDeleteHello, Jessica!
ReplyDeleteI chose your Storybook as my free choice first off because of your title! I love to travel, so anything related to that in any way interests me! Great job with the title.
I like the colors of your Storybook. They're calm and inviting, I think. I also like the font you chose! I think it goes with the whole weary traveler thing very nicely. I almost wish that the image you chose was in color instead of black and white, but I do like that it keeps with the calm feel of the page overall.
I like how you started your introduction. Instead of just calling it "Introduction," I like that you chose a title for the page that easily led the reader into the actual reading portion. Very clever! Your writing style is great. I thought the old man was so inviting and friendly! You did a great job with character development. I also like that you also made the image on this page black and white. It ties the pages together so well!
Oh, wow! The introduction makes me so excited to read the stories! I love the idea of an old man retelling the adventures of his younger days. I think the way you laid out what stories you will be telling was very well done. It gives readers just enough information about what is to come and grabs their interest. It seems like you will have a great variety of stories. I love the picture you chose, too!
ReplyDeleteFor the Flaming Skies story, I love how you had the old man reflect on the fact that he didn’t give a second thought to leaving his home. There is so much character development that happens in just a few short sentences, showing how the old man has changed from his younger self. When I first began to read this story, I was all set to comment on the lack of dialogue because usually a story without dialogue seems dry or boring. However, your description of events was so vivid that I was captivated the whole time! If I have to be critical, the one thing I might suggest would be to take out the sentence “What did I ask them, you might ask?” just because it seems a little out of place in the paragraph. Great job!
Wow! What a misbehaved kitty!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your story entitled "Flaming Skies" and thought that it was both creative and engaging. I appreciated how you simply took the story of the cat and wove it into the larger narrative of your storybook.
In your introduction, one of the very strongest points was your use of repetition to get the point across. In the first paragraph, you do this by saying, "Let me tell you…let me tell you…etc." That was extremely effective in conveying the importance of what you were saying, while also drawing the reader in to hear what you were talking about.
I think it's really hard to tell good stories without much dialogue, but it seems that you've done that quite well with your introduction and first story. Your description of the surroundings is both vivid and exact; I had no trouble "seeing" the picture you were trying to paint of the small Japanese village.
Well done!
I read your story Flaming Skies. I read your introduction a couple of weeks ago, so it's nice that you're in my group again. Your vocabulary is fantastic. I would never think to use words like juxtaposed or tantalizing. Your grammar was also spot on. I didn't notice any mistakes. Good job! The dashes you used gave the story an extra level of description. The beginning of your story fits nicely with your theme. I loved how you set up where you were in the story and why you were there. I've been scared to write in first person because I tend to use too many 'I's, but you used the perfect amount. The plot of the story was completely unexpected! Once you got to the village, I had no idea why no one was around. Then a giant cat-demon came out of nowhere and set everything on fire?! I started out thinking it was a non-fiction scene but was surprised when that changed. I enjoy your writing very much. Thanks for the great story!
ReplyDeleteHey Jessica! This is my first time visiting your story and I really love your layout. My only critic would be that your font is a little difficult to read, but if you like it then go with it! I started with your story Aureate Sands. Cool name by the way.
ReplyDeleteThe way you merges man and creature into the story was really interesting. It would be really cool if you alluded to the next story at the end of this one--just to build up some excitement.
First off, little scary at the end, but the imagery you used was awesome. I'm a big fan of greek mythology, so I really enjoyed reading your story. The background of the griffin you supplied the reader with in the Author's note is invaluable. It made a lot of the foreshadowing in the story make a lot more sense. Great job! I think you have a great site ahead of you!
Hey Jessica. Immediately I knew what kind of emotions the story would have, not only from the title, but also from the colors and images you included. You did a really great job at conveying what kind of story this would be. Great job on that!
ReplyDeleteYour introduction is amazing. It made me really excited and interested to keep reading. You did a great job of explaining how the storybook was going to be laid out.
I really like that the stories are about his adventures. It really makes me want to go on my own adventures!
You did a great job of explaining his emotions as well. I'm a pretty empathetic person, and I was definitely feeling scared as I read your story.
Also, I really like that you spaced out your paragraphs. It made your story flow really well, and it was easier and nicer to read.
Over all, really nice job.
Jessica, you have such a cool storybook! The theme is so neat! It's great that you chose a traveler for your narrator because you have such a broad spectrum of stories to choose from, and from your very intriguing introduction, I can tell that you have. You did a good job laying out your storybook in the introduction in a way that plays to the reader's curiosity. Finishing the introduction, I couldn't wait to read more.
ReplyDeleteYour first story is great! The imagery is fantastic. I had such an easy time imagining the whole scene because you wrote such detailed descriptions. It was great, too, seeing it through the eyes of your narrator because he is unfamiliar with the legend of the demon cat. That way, I was able to learn about it with him. The writing was really good, and the story flowed well. I definitely look forward to reading more of your storybook. You're doing a great job with this project. Keep it up, Jessica!
Hey, I really like the introduction. It gives the feeling of sitting down for storytelling time by the firepit. That definitely helped increase my interest in the story. I do like your choice of words. The word child was nurturing and "you" made me feel involved. The introduction provides great detail but still leaves a little mystery to make me keep reading. You used good punctuation. Also, I really like the color scheme. It plays into the mystery. It gives the idea that the traveler has seen good and bad days. The pictures also help the story develop and paint the story. Your paragraphs are really consistent and the font is nice. The author notes are a little hard to see because it is so small. I have bad eyes though so it may just be me. Great storybook. keep up the great work! I hope to read more from you.
ReplyDeleteI love the name, the colors and the layout of your project. The picture you chose is gorgeous!
ReplyDeleteOne thing you might consider changing is the size of font you used on the stories. When you have a sans-serif font that small, rounded, and thick, it tends to blob together when you are reading. Either that or find a thinner font. It would make it so much easier to read. Also, your Author’s Notes font size is miniscule. I am an older student but I’m not in need of bifocals yet LOL. And, speaking of reading, I really loved the introduction to your story. You give so much background and information is such concise sentences. Again, the picture you use is gorgeous! I don’t know if you meant for this to happen, but I am reading this story is a type of aristocratic, british, 1800’s type of voice in my head :) Great stories!
Hi Jessica,
ReplyDeleteI just read your introduction and story, "Aureate Sands," and must say that I am impressed with both the coherence and clarity with which you've done these writings. Your narrative style was consistent throughout, and I got the feeling that I was a young student of this wise traveler.
I most appreciated the suspense you created at the end of the story, when the griffin gives the riddle to the travelers. I wasn't expecting that, but it made for a nice change of pace. It wasn't too gruesome - I think it was a rather apt conclusion to the story.
However, I do have one critique: Where's the dialogue? I know you relay the griftin's words at the end of the story, but this is not sufficient. I believe that this story would be very good if it included more dialogue. It would paint a more complete picture of the characters in the story.
Nice work. I look forward to reading the rest of your storybook.
Jessica, first off, I am impressed that your storybook is complete (or nearly complete)! I still have to add one more story to mine. It is so crazy that we are already almost finished. Your site was beautiful and very fitting to your story. I have a question about your design / theme. Did you pick it out of the themes provided or did you create it by yourself? There have been so many unique themes on the storybooks that I did not see when I created my Google site that I have begun to grow curious. Anyways, I read your story the “Aureate Sands….” I enjoyed it very much but as I was reading through it I did catch a few grammatical and spelling errors. I suppose you having completed your edits from Dr. Gibbs yet. I think if you read through it one more time out loud you would easily be able to detect and correct the minor mistakes. Great job!
ReplyDelete